It was a Friday night after Ethan’s violin lesson. Ethan is a very involved artist who spends a good deal of his time deftly playing his violin. As he was approaching the dark and scary stair well to go down to the “Black Tar’s” hangout, he got chills that traveled up his spine. Ethan had done over 100 deals of heroin before but he felt as if someone was watching him this time. He was very furtive, seeing that his father Ralph was a cop. He had been doing this for a while because of the quandary he had about getting enough money to go to a decent college. Ethan had a yen to go to college and gravely wanted to become a musician.
As Ethan crept down the squeaky stairwell to approach the door it opened right before he had a chance to knock. This startled Ethan as his eyes grew wide and Brad said, “We have been expecting you, were running low on our goods.”
So Ethan quickly removed the tubes from out of his mouth, dried off his saliva and exchanged Brad, the bursar, for the money. Then Justin came running quickly to the door yelling, “Yeah man totally, I’ve been suffering down here waiting for our stuff, but we need to talk to you.”
“Alright Justin what’s up?” said Ethan.
“Well, we think we have someone who is catching on to us, like someone who will bust us if he really finds out what we do.”
“Oh no, this will definitely need to be kept quiet. My dad will not be very happy if he finds out about this,” exclaimed Ethan.
“Well we have to be serious about this. I noticed a suspicious looking car pulling away the past three times after you leave from ours deals man, it’s not good” insisted Justin. “ I think you may have to take care of him, I mean it’s the only way to get rid of him.”
“I can’t believe this is happening, I don’t know if I can do this” said Ethan terrifyingly.
Justin grabbed Ethan by the collar of his shirt and whispered in his ear, “You might want to think about that answer and tell me again if you will do what it takes to get rid of the man who is watching us.”
“Ok ok,” Ethan concurred, “I will I promise just don’t hurt me I need this money to go to college.”
“Wow,” Justin said to the gang, “look at this superfluous achiever gaining money to go to college.”
“What a fag,” they all laughed.
Ethan grabbed his stuff and ran out of their hangout. What a blasphemous he thought, he had had enough of them for the night. He couldn’t stop thinking about who might be watching them as he got home. “Anything wrong?” said Ethan’s mother, “You look puzzled.”
“No nothings wrong just a long class tonight, that’s all.”
“Oh alright son, if you need anything I’ll be in my room.”
“Ok thanks mom,” managed Ethan.
That night Ethan received the dreaded phone call he wasn’t thrilled to answer. It was Brad and Justin who told him that he had to act fast because the man came and questioned them. They said he was a suspicious looking guy who wasn’t dressed like a cop or anything. They told him that they were going to plan the attack. There was a tall abandoned edifice across the street where Ethan would be positioned with a rifle, they would fake a deal at the normal time but Ethan wouldn’t be doing it. Another member from the gang would and once he left Ethan would shoot, as the man who lurked in the dark car speeds away.
This was not something that Ethan was looking forward to, but if it meant he had to do it for college then he would. Ethan couldn’t believe what he got himself into.
The next night rolled around Ethan started to get very nervous. This was going to be a very bad quagmire. He started second guessing himself but realized college meant everything to him. He left the house with his mom thinking he was going to class, but really he was going to take his position.
Once he arrived he got ready and tried not to think, only about college and how much he needed to go. The whole world seemed distant to him. Then the dark car arrived and the “deal” went on, but this time the man got out of his car. Ethan didn’t think and just stooped low, aimed and without looking fired. Quickly he rose and looked right as the man fell into the light of the street light. Pallor began to fill Ethan’s face, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Ethan felt major rage, regret, and anger. That very second Ethan realized that he couldn’t live with this; he couldn’t live with the fact that he had murdered his own father. With the second pull of the trigger Ethan’s future was gone, it was that simple.
The next morning Ethan and his father Ralph had made the front headline of the paper. Ethan had always wanted to become famous, but not for homicide and then suicide. This unheralded event changed the lives of the people who loved them, forever.
7 comments:
1. I would like the reader to see how crazy someone can become and what people will do to get what they want. The theme i am trying to get across is be careful what you do because mistakes can be life-changing.
2. I think the setting and characters work well in my piece. It was easy to write once i got the main idea of it.
3. I need to put vocab words in still. I had a hard time figuring out ab vowords should go. The weak areas is probably how everything happens so fast. I feel like it does. There wasn't anything that was difficult to write for me but i think i oculd add more to the endding.
4. I need help putting words in and i would like feedback about the endding. I think it would be benificial.
The conflict in the story was that a man who was actually Ethan's father had caught on to their drug deals and Ethan was set up to kill him. When he realized the man was his father he killed himself too.
In the beggining of the story Ethan is dealing drugs for money for college but when he gets out of hand and actually kills his father he can't live his life knowing it and kills himself too. The change is important to the story because if Ethan had never been a drug dealer his father and his life would still exist.
My favorite part of the story was when it talks about him being nervous for the drug deal and the "shivers down my spine." This occured in the exposition of the story.
I think that the best part of the story is the conflict. Having Ethan's father be a police man really put a twist to the story and made it interesting.
The story's theme is that you have to be careful what you do becasue one istake could ruin your entire life and change it forever.
One thing I might think about is adding in your vocabulary words. What helped for me was to read through your lists and if there is a ward you know you have in your story you can switch the vocab word into its place.
The conflict of the story was that Ethan really needed money to go to college so he dealt heroin for money. His father was a cop and so he had to be really sneaky about it. The conflict was external. It was resolved by him accidently killing his father, and then taking his own life.
My favorite part of the story is definitely the conclusion or the end of the story because it has a surprise ending where he kills his father and then another surprise when he killed himself. "That very second Ethan realized that he couldn’t live with this he couldn’t live with the fact that he had murdered his own father. All of the sudden Ethan’s future was gone with the pull of the trigger one more time."
The tale is very good overall but its best quality would have to be the ending because it is so unexpected. I think that the story's theme is to be careful of your actions because they could be life changing. Besides a few surface errors that could be corrected by spell-check, I wouldn't change the story at all and I think you did a good job.
the conflict was man verses man. this was an enternel conflict because he didnt wanna do the shooting, but at the same time he needed the money for college. it was resolved by ethen killing his father, then ethan killing himself. i was very invested in this resolution because i wanted to find out what ethan did in the end.
ethan changes throughout the story by first trying to sell drugs for money for college and hes confident in going to college. but in the end he ends up killing is father and then decides college isnt worth it and kills himself. this change is important because if he found another way to get the money instead of drug dealing, everything would turn out different.
my favorite part of nicoles story is when he talks to his mother like nothings wrong. this is in the falling action.
i think the best part of the story is the ending when ethan finds out he killed his father, and his first reaction is to kill himself. the ending was very unexpecting.
The theme to nicole's story is i think make better choices because ethan obviously made a awful choice on choosing to drug deal. and it ended up bad by him killing his father.
nicole you had some minor errors. i would read your story outload if i were you to catch them. other then that, great job :)
The conflict in the story was that a man had caught onto Ethans drug dealing and he had to find away to stay protected because he needed the money for college.It was an external problem and it was resolved by Ethan shooting the man following him which ended up being his dad and then he killed himself because he couldnt life with the guilt.
In the beggining of the story Ethan is dealing drugs to get money so he can go to a good college but when someone catches on to him he kills them and finds out it was actually his dad. He cant live with the guilt so he ends up killing himself.The change is important to the story because if Ethan had never sold drugs he and his father would still be alive.
My favorite part of the story was when you find out that Ethan killed the man and it turned out to be his dad. This took place during the conclusion. " Ethan had always wanted to become famous, but not for homicide and then suicide." I thought this was a creative way of telling the reader what had happened.
I think that the best part of the story is the conflict. It was intesting that in the end the man following Etha actually turned out to be his father. I never expected it to be him.
The story's theme you have to be careful in the decisions you make and the actions you do because it could end up drastically changing your life..
I think that your story was great and i liked how you used the vocab words. I dont think you have to change anything.
Words: Deftly-adverb-with skill.
furtive-adjective-secretive.
quandary-noun-dilemma or difficulty.
yen-noun-a strong desire.
gravely-adverb-serious.
bursar-noun-person in charge of money.
concurred-verb-to agree
superfluous-adjective-extra or extravagant.
blasphemous-adjective-a rude remark.
edifice-noun-a large structure.
lurked-verb-to lie hidden for evil purposes.
quagmire-noun-difficult situation or predicament.
pallor-noun-paleness.
unheralded-adjective-unannounced, unexpected.
I picked all of these words because as i was going through the vocab lists i either had something in the story that related or consisted of one of the words from the definition. I put the words that only fit perfectly which i think they all do. They work well with my writing and make it come alive. They really finalized my work.
I think the greatest change to my story was when i finally added the vocab words. They made my story finally finished. Although the words, i feel, make my story sound ridiculously unrealistic i enjoyed putting them in.
I think the comments helped more then the peer edit guide because there was more to the comments. You got more opinions from different people and you could merge them all together to get an idea of what to change. The comments helped me the most.
I think my greatest strength is the flow of the story and the ending. In all of the comments people said that they really enjoyed reading my story. They also all said and brought to attention my ending. They said that they were very surprised and didn't think that it would end like that at all.
Advice i give to future students is write about something you either enjoy doing or enjoy writing about. If you pick something you don't really like you will probably have a hard time writing about it. Also when it comes to adding vocab words i found it helpful if you look through all your lists and star all the words that either have a word you used in their definition or if they had something to do with your story.
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